Day 15: Most Difficult Life Circumstance

   One of the hardest moments if my life had to be my parents second divorce. They re-married when I was about 12 & seperated when I had just turned 19. I think why it ate at me the most is because I was convinced that the second time around it must be meant to be. I thought they would be like Noah & Allie (The Notebook). I desperately wanted them to work out so that we could be close even as we kids grew up. The first time they divorced I was too young too remember anything. The second time I understood why they couldn't stay together. It's terrifying really. Now being married myself I worry about all those what ifs. Could I see my husband with someone else & be okay with it for the sake of our children? Could we be civil & have joint birthday parties & holidays? It was something I thought I got over at 19. However, I've never been good at dealing with my negative emotions so I did what I do best. I pushed them away. Pretended they didn't exist until I eventually convinced myself & everyone around me that I was fine. The problem with this is that when I breakdown it's all the bad emotions crashing down at once. It's thinking that my husband will leave me for someone better even though I'm doing the best I can to be a good wife. It's thinking that no one cares about me, that no one would notice if I was gone. It's thinking I'm not good enough no matter what I do. When this happens I shutdown. I cry so hard I forget to breathe.   

   My parents used to listen to Oldies together. I couldn't stand them as that was almost all they'd listen to. When they seperated I sat in front of the apartment complex listening to Oldies & cried. Like Kim K ugly crying. I dont even know how long I was there. All I know is that it was long enough for my now husband to call & ask me if I was okay (I was supposed to be on my way home from work). Some days it still gets bad. Sometimes I dont want to talk about it because most people just dont understand. I'm lucky enough to have my husband who just holds me through it. Sometimes thats all I need. An I'm here for you person. Don't we all?

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13 comments:

  1. Divorce is so devastating for everyone involved. I'm sorry your family had to experience this. :( Thank goodness for your rock-solid husband!!!

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  2. divorce is such a nasty experience for kids as well as the adults.

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  3. oh man I can't imagine having to go through that twice! I hate that!

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  4. Divorce is so hard for the couple but, even more for kids. Parents need to be very open and talk a lot with their kids to let them know that they will be there for them forever. It doesn't matter if they are not still together, but they will there for you all the time.

    Thanks for sharing such a personal story, this can help other people going through the same.

    Keep walking girl, you have an amazing husband next to you.

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  5. Divorce is hard and upsetting! Good Luck with the entire situation

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  6. You are not alone in these feelings. I getcthe same anxieties all the time with my marriage. We do exactly the best we can. Whatever happens, we survive.

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  7. That's sad :( Time is the best healer and it takes time to heal from such incidents.

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  8. Thank God there's no divorce here in the Philippines.

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  9. I am so sorry you have had to go through all this. You got this!

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  10. My parents have also had their ups and downs and it definitely is a factor in how I view my own relationship. But, I have to keep reminding myself that I am not my parents and my relationship will thrive as long as I am willing to work on it.

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  11. Divorce is hard, especially to kids. I never had my parents divorce but I saw the toll on my friends and classmates when their parents divorced.

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  12. I'm so sorry! You've got this though :)

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